South African for Dumbies (AKA University Students)

Dankie (donkey): Thank you

Asseblief (auss-i-bleef): Please

Chicken Mayo: The world’s most unhealthy take on chicken salad, just chicken and mayo.

Rooiplein: (Pronounced Roy-Plane) Red Square (who knew Red Square had an identical South African twin?), where strange art is vandalized by Maties on Wednesday nights.

Maties: (pronounced ma (as in the MAll) TEE) Students of Stellenbosch University (interestingly the word is of unknown origins, it either refers to a cutesy take on the word “mate”, the british word for “bro” or “homie”, or a cutesy reference to the University’s color red, like tomato.

Wyn: Wine, see also, WATER

Maize: Corn

Braai: Barbeque and South African pastime, sacred, both refers to the physical tool (“Get those vegetables away from the braai!”), the gathering (“I’m going to get drunk at a braai now, I’ll have breakfast after.”), and the action (“It’s 3am, perfect time to go braai in the quad!”)

Quad: the area outside my window in Metanoia where it is a punishable offense to talk below a scream between 10pm and 4am, and only student cards of boys that live on the second floor can access them, because the rest of us are too immature to use the quad properly.

Potjie (P-OY! (as in Ahoy!) -KEY: Literally means “little pot”, refers to stew cooked in a tiny, adorable black pot on a Braai.

Drankie (Dr-on-KEY) : Drink, not to be mistaken for Dankie, as it is very rude in South African culture to, rather than thank someone, demand an alcoholic beverage.

Bie Dankie (Buy a donkey): Thank you very much

Voedselwetenskop: Food Science, or a way to make a satirical reference to something very far away, like Egypt or America, as in “Food Science is literally in Egypt, I have to leave a day early to get to class on time”.

Amerikkaners (Ameri-CON-ers): Americans, or an insult describing a person that is fat, stupid, lazy, slutty, or any combination therein.

Lekker (Leck-ah): cool, good, sweet, or sweets, usually used by surfer bros from Durban or adults who try to hard to be cool. American equivalent: “Coo’” (as in cool without the l).

Brew: Bro, stereotypically Durbanish, or English, depending on your heritage

Huisdanse: House dance, a traditional South African ceremony where large clans of people who live together in a single housing structures called ‘Res’ dress in formal garb. Typically male clan members present female members with a gift of J.C. LaRoux champagne or flowers before plying them with brandy and coke, vodka, and Castle beer. In the main ceremony, both males and females consume mass quantities of alcohol, board a bus, and are driven to a fancy wine estate where they will, true to the ritual, do things they will regret and proceed to forget them due to unlimited quantities of wine. Upon returning to the shared living quarters, it is traditional to try and sneak outsiders past the gatekeeper known as a guard, and historically this is usually accomplished as the shear numbers and drunkenness of the participants tends to overwhelm her. Traditionally, the next morning is spent looking for lost clothing, examining pictures on Facebook, and hiding from the sun and loud noises.

Aweh (Ah-way): Yeah, cool, used in conversation to denote agreement, usually by bros or the inebriated.

Koeksister (cook-sister): a traditional Afrikkans dessert that is a twisty donut absolutely smothered in golden syrup, suspected culprit of rising South African obesity rates.

Landbou (Land-bou): Agriculture

Ja (Yawn – the n): Yeah, but more emphatic

Bosch (boss-ch): Bush

Eikestad (Ike-i-stahd): City of Oaks, traditional nickname for Stellenbosch, referring to the large quantity of non-native oaks that line the streets, planted by the original Dutch settlers who didn’t care about biodiversity. Also the name of the mall, which is infinitely far from everything but has everything you need.

Afrikkans (Off-rick-cons): Language spoken by Afrikkaners, the descendants of the original Dutch settlers. It is very difficult to learn as a result of the rolling “r” sound, the choked “g” sound, and Afrikkaners inability to take you seriously when you pronounce things incorrectly.

AS well (pronounced with heavy emphasis on the AS): All purpose South African term for “too” or “also”, as in “I’m going to need the hospital in the morning AS well.” or “They’re out of sweet chili mayo AS well? I hate Fedics.”

Sweet Chili: The most glorious of all condiments, a miracle of the Bushman company, great on Doritos, pizza, salads, chicken, chips, and straight from the bottle. See also SWEET CHILI MAYO (sweet chili mixed with Mayo)

Fedics: The company that makes half the res food on Stellenbosch campus. Fedics is a company of questionable moral character, but is to be congratulated on its discovery of Macon, beef bacon that allows the kitchen to be certified Halal.

Chips (also Hot Chips, pronounced “cheps”): French fries

Howzit! (How-zit): South African greeting meaning “Hello, how are you! I’m South African!”. Howzit is also the proper response to Howzit.

Pull: Any kind of sweatshirt that you must pull over your head.

Jersey: A sweater, jacket or other kind of top of clothes covering to be worn when weather is chilly.

Pudding: Dessert of any kind, not to be mistaken with milk food, or American pudding.

Brandy and Coke: The drink of drinks, default beverage of South Africa.

Helluvalot: A lot, always pronounced as one word, very British; “There were a helluvalot of people in Tollies last night for a Tuesday.

Tollies: Traditional Stellenboschian watering hole (club), best known for its Wednesday night drink specials and its pickpockets, see also TERRACE, Club

Bohemia: Classic Stellenboschian bar, well known for its Sunday night Bingo, Wednesday night drink specials, Thursday night live bands, and the Bohemian Local pizza (bacon, avo, feta). Infamous for its less then friendly waitstaff. See also MYSTICS.

On point/spot on: correct, very good, “This brandy and coke is on point, I can barely taste the coke!”

Is it?: A general question commonly used regardless of the pronoun it refers to, “Later I might go to the bib. Response: Is it? Shame, man.”

Bib: Library, in reference to the Afrikkans word Bibliotek, evil place of doom that is not open after 10pm (22:00) or on Sundays.

Shame: A sad or unfortunate thing or occurrence, “You have a class on Thursday morning? Shame, you’ll always be hungover.”

Chilled: chill, describing something that is good in a laid back way.

Hey?: Similar to the American word “Really?”, used to request reassurance, “Parking’s a bitch hey?”

Springbok: National animal of South Africa and mascot of the national Rugby team. As with most South African national animals, it is at risk of becoming endangered because the animal has not yet learned to stop accepting invitations to be the guest of honor at Braais.

Zebra Crossing: a crosswalk that is denoted by stripes similar to those of a zebra.

Zed: the proper South African pronunciation of the letter Z.

Robot: a traffic light

Take-away: to go food

Bucks: the colloquial term for Rand, “A double brandy and coke for 15 bucks, that’s nice!”

Nice: the highest compliment to be paid in South African society, “Malva pudding is nice, if I could marry a food, it would be Malva pudding.”

Malva pudding: a deliciously warm caramel cake drenched in golden syrup and smothered in a cold, milky custard. The national desert of South Africa.

Module: a class, “I only failed two modules last semester!”

Faculty: broad major, “If I  meet one more person in the engineering faculty, I’m never leaving Metanoia.”

Wine farm: South African vineyard

Gum boots: Rain boots, often played like drums by stepping street performers.

Res: dormitory, a students home at Stellenbosch, “Where do you stay? Response: I’m in Res, in Metanoia, it’s the greatest place that ever existed.”